Hot Lunch

As I walk to my corner coffee shop at zero dark thirty in the morning, I see another splayed design of “ejecta” on the sidewalk from someone’s drinking spree last night. At least this “hot lunch” occurred outside of the aisle and stairwell of a Muni bus. When someone pukes on the bus, we can pull the coach in with what we call a hot lunch. This means my follower will have a double load and less time for break at the next terminal. I believe this is why God invented newspaper, for travelers who make messes on and in the bus.

Newspapers wedged between the seats or crumpled on the floor make for a quick and convenient remedy for keeping the bus in regular service. I usually don’t throw newspapers off the bus when it is raining or if I am working weekends or when school is out. I may need the paper to clean rain-soaked floors or mirrors or clean up any other mess of fluids left on the bus. The art becomes using the paper so as to not need gloves to touch any part of the blood, feces, or vomit. And yes, it would be nice if we had bathrooms with hot water at the end of the line. Soap and towels are the luxury of a tour bus operator, I guess.

Teen girls are the number one offender when it comes to puking on the bus. Hopefully, I can spot them before they get on. Usually, their girlfriends are helping them walk up to the steps. I ask, “Hey, why don’t you wait a few more minutes and get your balance first?” or “How far are you going?” If they show no sign of listening, or no intention to step off and wait for the next wave of heaving, then I say, “Okay, sit near the door and let me know when you have an emergency!” At least this minimizes any damage to the floor of the aisle. If the steps do get hit, it can be dangerous, depending on the type of vomit.

You know, you have your clear, almost invisible kind. This dissipates quickly and has no odor. It can provide extra traction as it hardens or dissolves and is mostly from stomach acids and esophageal mucus. It’s a bonus if the teenage girl hasn’t eaten. Then, of course, there are the slippery, half-digested refried beans. The rice can provide traction, and the birds do like this if it makes it to the sidewalk. If she is with guys, they usually dump her and get off the bus early. They laugh and think it’s funny. Some friends, indeed. And if she’s with a girlfriend, the point seems to be to get home as fast as possible. So even though she is being “helped,” am I really doing my duty by not calling for help? Should this be an ambulance call? The possibility of alcohol poisoning exists, and use of a stomach pump may be in order. Perhaps I could let them stay at the stop and call the police. The balance of a major family event stands on the tips of my fingers with a call to Central Control.

Will there be a hospital and ambulance bill? Is this just another weekend learning experience for two friends? Should I intervene or get on with moving my passengers down the road? Being a night-time driver on the Mission requires making snap judgment calls between an emergency treatment or a quick, first-aid remedy. I usually go with first-aid: Have them step off the rear door before the heaves get too bad, and then use the newspapers to sop up the goo and to keep the walking tread dry. Then a scoop-up of the papers at the next terminal or a swing-by at a convenient trash can.

It can be a drag if the person puking doesn’t want to exit and continues to heave while sitting on the bus. The other passengers become uncomfortable if I don’t do something. I cannot ignore sick people on the bus, unless they are way in the back, and the bus is full, and no one comes forward. Fortunately, the empty stomach is what causes the problem in the first place, so there is not too much to clean up. Hopefully. The insanity of getting on the bus to go home is impossible to override if the person sick is with a group of “friends.” As with everything else, going with the flow keeps us moving.

So if you are riding on or driving the 14 Mission after dark, especially on weekends, make sure you have a copy of the morning edition!