We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable. This is the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous, and apparently, it’s the only step that has to be done perfectly. Yet, the first thing I hear during the first reading, ‘How It Works,’ is that on our journey in recovery from alcoholism, we’re supposed to seek progress, not perfection. So what you saying?
You’re telling me I am supposed to seek progress, yet I have to do this first step perfectly? I love finding contradictions, especially in any large cult-like group– to find contradictions in their basic syllogism* of logic and principle, and see where it fucks up, so I don’t have to waste my time following a bunch of losers.
*[ sil–uh-jiz-uhm ]noun
Logic. an argument the conclusion of which is supported by two premises, of which one (major premise ) contains the term (major term ) that is the predicate of the conclusion, and the other (minor premise ) contains the term (minor term ) that is the subject of the conclusion; common to both premises is a term (middle term ) that is excluded from the conclusion. A typical form is “All A is C; all B is A; therefore all B is C.”
-deductive reasoning.
-an extremely subtle, sophisticated, or deceptive argument: ex) An instance of a form of reasoning in which a conclusion is drawn (whether validly or not) from two given or assumed propositions (premisie), each of which shares a term with the conclusion, and a common term not in the conclusion, such as:
– A. Once all cucumbers become marinated in vinegar, they become a pickle.
-B. Once a person becomes soaked in alcohol, they become an alcoholic.
– C. An alcoholic and a cucumber, once they’re in the solution, can never go back to what they once were.
It’s a pickle, alright. The logic of the syllogism in my mind was about three things I knew I was: Once a New Yorker, always a New Yorker, once a Marine, always a Marine, and once an Alcoholic, always an Alcoholic. But here’s the caveat, the loophole, if you will, not all people who become ‘saturated’ in alcohol, become unconditional alcoholics. Members of AA say only I can call myself an alcoholic. Alcohol is a solvent, but yet, alcoholics said drinking it never solved anything! Indeed, there are paradoxes everywhere.
In getting to the first step, then, let’s break it down into a logical paradigm, and see what the hell it is I’m supposed to say or do so you’ll accept me as I am. I heard some say that if I’m at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I’m probably an alcoholic. Others made it clear: If I wasn’t an alcoholic, I wouldn’t be in a meeting. No one likes to admit complete defeat, and the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization that precedes a decision to go to a meeting, leads me to one conclusion: I am an alcoholic.
I have to be willing to admit this and say it out loud every time I introduce myself before I share or read in a meeting. Slowly, through the three spiritual principles of Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness, I saw how simple this introduction, ‘I’m an alcoholic,’ was. I didn’t have to go into long drunkalogues or war stories about why I drank. I didn’t have to spend a fortune on drugs or medications: all I had to do was meditate.
I have to admit I am powerless, one, and two, I have to agree my life is unmanageable. Therefore, the conclusion would be that I am an alcoholic and the arguments expressed of being a member in the debate society could be dropped. My card expired. I had to get out of my way. My life had been run on self-will.
I would need to depend on a power greater than myself to stay away from self-centered self-seeking ego, and let God’s will be done. Having the fog of coke and meth and alcohol leave my brain and my body, and then go into the intellectual discussions of God, seemed like too much too fast.
Wait, you said, it is one step at a time, otherwise I may trip or fall. My resentment against you telling me to stop future tripping, was a yellow flag. I wasn’t staying in the present. I also learned not to regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it, so I can’t be stuck in fantasy about what I wished could have been.
I can’t control my drug use when I drink, and I can’t drink like a gentlemen when I do drugs. I have no choice over this matter, so I am powerless. I lost my job, my self-esteem, my self-worth, and my friends by drinking, therefore I am in a pickle and I can’t get out of the jar.
Period.
That’s it. No more.
The Dao of Doug: A Bus Driver's Perspective 